Bifocals, hearing aids, self publishing, oh frickin' my.

As I'm writing this, I'm moving my head in an up and down position, trying to keep the gradual split in my glasses lens focused in the laptop screen mode by pointing my nose at what I'm looking at. That's what the Lens Crafters woman said: point your nose toward what you're looking at. If I worked at Lens Crafters I'd tell people things like, "Hold your nose at 38 degrees south of the equator for optimal resolution," and "Your glasses make me look fat."

Up and down. Up...then down. Up - down. They say I'll get used to it. My next tattoo: "You'll Get Used To It" across a banner that spans a red broken heart with Cthulu pissing on the "Used" part of the sentence® Maybe inside a pentagram. But I'm not thinking about the bifocals as I'm already getting used to it writing this entry.

No, the real challenge comes next week when I get fitted for hearing aids. Beginning now, I'll receive $10 for every person who greets this news with, "What?" or "What'd you say?" I'd say the same thing OR I'd laugh and tell me to stop whining about it - there are children born without arms who learn to tie their shoes. And stop moving your fucking head up and down.

I'd like to take a moment to thank all the garage bands, concert halls and nightclubs I sat in, enabling me to have thoughts such as, "Blast away, bitches - I'm gonna live forever." According to my audiologist (who works in a completely excellent soundproof room) folks my age, 40-60, are coming in with demolished hearing. It is entirely a product of loud music and headphones. Right now I'm using my noise cancelling headphones as I write this. There's no music playing - just the silence. It's wonderful and a discovery ten years too late for me. My generation took one for the audio levels team.

I told my eight year-old  that when I'd wear them, I'd be able to read people's thoughts. He's already cutting me a wide swath. Fuck it. I think about all those aging rockstars with tinitis, hearing imaginary televisions on in the other room and I feel comforted.

Let's segue in to self publishing before I need a cane.

I've done most of the reading and made all of the mistakes in the self publishing arena - which includes writing a blog full of improper grammar, tweeting to myself accidentaly, repeated postings on FaceBook and living the nightmare that there's a typo in my ebook. In advertising, you have soft and hard launches - the trickle effect followed by the deluge. It's a well-oiled machine that on most days reaps a healthy return. I'm finding with self publishing that it's more a "moist" launch. There's heat and pressure and atmosphere, but it tends to linger rather than explode. It really is a, "I sold A book today" kind of playing field that makes me understand why I've read author interviews in which they said the only thing better than  a book launched is two books launched.

I'm workin' on it.

Up, down. Up...aaaannnd.. down. Up! Down-Up!